Hemlock

He had lived his whole life in the shadow of others. The beliefs of others defined what he allowed to show. He had grown into a man, physically, without maturing into the courage of honesty. He could not speak with truth about the inner workings of his mind and soul. This was out of fear that his family, friends, and God might desert him. As such, he followed a simple pattern of life. Silent, unchanging and unchallenging.

In his heart there were feelings that he had been raised to deny. Urges that were ordered to be crushed at every turn. This preaching against his being slowly rotted him from the inside. One day the realization that he was not what he had thought struck him. He looked around at his life and took note that he had built a life for himself that was based upon the desires and rules of others. Inside this life he was miserable. He had squared his circle.

After this realization, it was only a matter of time before an explosion. With self awareness, comes a certain knowledge that one must make any changes he wants to come about. He struggled with the love he felt for his wife, parents, and friends. Knowing that if he spoke his mind they would all be hurt, angry, or ashamed. He knew that the life he wanted, outside of spiritual suppression and repressed desire, could never be attained without destroying that which had come to be. He struggled with making a choice, knowing that this choice could never be taken back.

As he pondered what he could do, the wrongness of his life slowly sanded the edges off of his sanity, heating his mind like an element. His sanity began to crack, revealing the gunpowder hidden within. The choice was upon him. There was no easy way out. either he would explode alone or surrounded. His choice was not going to be made for him.

A temporary smile, like that of a clown, was pressed onto his face. It could wash off with the slightest of rains. He struggled when alone, unable to stop the workings of his mind, the white, grinding, noise of sanity on situation. His life was comprised of those that made him feel completely and utterly alone. He sought silence. An end to the eternal grinding of his caged spirit. His decision was made.

The final cold of silence enveloped him, freeing him from all the known, and throwing him headlong into the eternal unknown. His smile was permanent this time. Etched into his being with the ferocity of an eternal ending. Hemlock.

(Originally written, 3/31/14)