Pain & Evil

I wish to hurt. I have a strong and irrevocable desire to feel pain. This isn't some kind of self destructive idea. This isn't some kind of self hate relationship or dissociative personality problem, and it certainly isn't suicidal. I love life, perhaps that is exactly why I enjoy the burning sensation after a strike, or the jolt of sensory blindness at the moment of impact. At that moment, when your body is sending panicked signals everywhere at once, your mind gives in to instinct and you are just an animal. A living creature fully aware again. No screen or abstract thought exists to captivate you, in that moment of limbo you are fully, completely, present.

I don't think this is something wrong with me, and I certainly don't need fixed. This is normal to me. Perhaps I'm enlightened on some level, craving an existential escape from the prisons that occupy my mind. As I am, constantly locked in deep thought about some idea concrete or ethereal, I crave the escape to a primal state of mind. I can't claim to be smarter than most, I've never been inside of another humans head. All I can really say is that most of us silently walk through life without ever releasing this inner contemplation, either for shame or for lack of inner contemplation. Perhaps we really are all just frightened geniuses, which would make courage the defining factor of a true genius, or most of us really are simply simple minded. I envy the most if this is true.

You see, what most of us do not understand is the difficulty and sadness that comes with curiosity and knowledge and constant abstract thought. The pain and sense of inadequacy that comes from being self driven. The pain and sadness comes from a total comprehension of how much better you could always be, and how much you constantly fail yourself. Self awareness hurts. Every truly self aware person must wish that they could become simple minded, like we imagine most of us humans are, and simply enjoy life in the here and now and where we are. We wish we could be this way because it is much easier, it is much easier to not hate yourself when you are content. We can hope that there are simple minded humans, because we envy them. Otherwise we are all cowards.

Am I talking to myself? Perhaps I am the only one that ever feels this way. Most likely i'm the only one that will ever read this message about the value of pain. I wish for the pain and the taste of my own blood. What else can make you forget so quickly? What else can unleash the beast that haunts you? What else numbs you so efficiently to all the thoughts, and all the diatribes and inner monologues? When in that moment of utter clarity, as your body erupts with the feeling of spasmodic lightning, there are no more choices. There are no more philosophical questions or religious conflicts. There is no more 'losing your religion'. When the clarity strikes the perspective is centered, the abyss is opened, the fog lifts. Your primal beast explodes outward and, even if your conscious mind catches the bullet, you see yourself for what you truly are. A single moment can define you to yourself. This is abyssal perspective.

I wish to stare into the abyss and survive, either to become a monster or face the abyss anew, to face the scythe of death is to renew humanity and grasp yourself from the edge of terrifying and unknown madness. The madness of normality that rends sensibilities until the terrifying monster that stared into the abyss becomes every human shell that walks the street, calmly expecting and hoping for the reckless dismemberment of those around them. At this point, when one has not stared into the abyss for too long and has forgotten the monsters form, one becomes an unsalvageable beast. The abyss may no longer restore humanity and will only forevermore inspire hatred. It is true that one who stares into the abyss, and fights the monsters within, will succumb and become a monster themselves. This is only if the abyss is forgotten and one begins climbing the ladder of mortal life, only to find that he is the monster in the abyss, clawing to the top only to make the others monsters. Human suffering breeds human suffering, just as human cruelty that frightens the benevolent leads them down the path of ignorant cruelty. The only way to truly fight a creature of unspeakable cruelty is to face it, never turn away, and recognize that this cruelty is simply the result of willful ignorance, the price for bliss. This is the beast. The abyss of death is a grave, tended well by us, it's keepers.

Remember often to keep your eyes focused on death, draw close once in a while and remember why it is important in order to be human. Death should remind you that kindness and knowledge are what makes us human.

Kindness and knowledge are paramount, far more important than to climb our prison walls, only to discover that we are ourselves the monster that we fear, dragging others to the prison. Can we change ourselves and learn to slowly accept being something else when pressured by overwhelming nonacceptance and restriction? Does this change cause a self-hate to rise up from within, proving that one can never truly change who they want to be, and should simply live freely and without self hate?

We always have a choice in what we do but we will never know what choice we make will be the one that leads us to our death.

We forget that death is imminent.

Birth is to choose death,

Death is determined.

To run from evil is to condone, and eventually become, evil.

To run from pain is to forget what makes you human.

To run from death is to become it.

We cross the line so we know there still is one

(Originally written, 3/8/14)