Uncertainty

Is it normal to not believe compliments' sincerity; To always know in your heart that it is not meant, but is said as some form of patronizing act or social obligation. The complement itself gives rise to a discomfort and near certainty that others view my efforts as good considering who I am, instead of an accomplishment. I see compliments to me as almost akin the praising the ‘special’ kid.

"He tried so hard. He deserves a pat on the back."

This thought, this certainty that others are patronizing me with their praise, is haunting. I simply cannot shake the oppressive idea as it squeezes my chest in the heat of the moment. In the moment when I realize somebody is offering me affirmation or praise, my chest tightens. My mind goes blank and all I can think of is the question:

“Why do they feel like they need to praise me?”

Like I did something wrong and I can’t figure out what it is. Then the self consciousness kicks in; How do I accept a compliment without sounding arrogant? I ask myself this question as I stumble over the words in response to praise that I know I don’t deserve. What do I do with this overpowering knowledge of others’ perception of me as slow witted, uneffective, and in need of affirmation? Should I just let it be?

How the hell am I supposed to think well of myself, when I crave the approval of others but hear their praise as patrony? The very best of my efforts will continue to result in the praise that I so hate. That infernal affirmation that crawls under my skin and burrows deeply into my self doubt.

“They only compliment you because they feel you need it. Don’t believe them.”

That is what it says to me.

(Originally written, 10/10/16)