Today, As It Is.

I have 45% battery on a laptop with no charger as I write this. It has been hard for me to sit down and write as I go through this, and I know I'm going to kick myself for it, so I sat down to slam out some thoughts. Don't judge me. I'm sipping whiskey, a little green, and rewatching Community for the n+1th time. Welcome to my hell, heaven, or purgatory, depending on my own perspective from moment to moment.

I asked for a divorce the Friday before classes started in January, and left to visit my brother for that weekend. By the next weekend I regretted it, but Hannah was done with me. It was over, and no matter what I said, she wasn't going to come back. It broke me. I don't know how to express what I felt in losing her. I look at her now and I don't even recognize her. It feels like a part of me died in those nights I spent writhing in my bed, wailing to God. Like part of me was severed. Incomplete.

I don't really know why the first six weeks of the semester disappeared. I was depressed. My mind was in a fog. I was off my meds. School was too much. I was overcommitted. I was miserable in an empty house and alone for the first time in my life; and my grandpa died. The closest thing I have in my mind to a hero, who had crumbled to a shade under the weight of Alzheimer's over the past few years. I had to deal with. . . that. Too? What? OK...

At least spring break is coming up.

I can be irresponsible and do something fun to clear my head and feel better about myself. Ryann suggests we do fun shit over spring break, and I get excited. I shave cause I want to feel cultured in case we go somewhere fancy. We don't cause. . . Coronavirus. We go to a bar with her national guard friends one night, then the lockdown hits. Spring break ends, and I start working out with Derrick.

Derrick is the fucking man. Marine, wrestler, strongman, father. He's been beating me up recently. I love getting my ass kicked again. I'm so out of shape, and I needed a kick in the pants. I've been getting back in shape with the resources I have on hand during the quarantine. I've put on 10 good pounds since spring break. It's working, and I'm doing alright. Derrick is going to get me initiated into Greco. Never even considered it before, but I'm intrigued.

I also started hanging out with Amy. I don't know what to say about Amy, if I'm honest. She is a soft hearted girl with more love to give than I feel I deserve to take right now. I haven't even taken the divorce papers in yet. I thought I had the online divorce service mail the papers, but nothing has come, and I'm getting frustrated. At this point, it just needs to happen. Amy doesn't deserve to get caught up in my mess, and I hate the position I've put her in by swiping right. Don't judge me; there's more to the story if you read this and actually care to know.

Other than that, I'm excited to plant my garden, get back into the gym, register for classes, and still need to file my fucking FAFSA(deadline is tomorrow btw). Taxes still need filed, which is not something I'm excited to do for so very many reasons. My home and property is a disaster. I'm slowly pulling my shit together, but my shit is still all over the room, as it has only recently hit the fan. I'll get there.

I'll leave you with a limerick

There is a college going Vet

Who lives in the town Lafayette

If he keeps busting toes

Wherever he goes

An eternal limp he will get