Untitled Truth

This letter won't write itself;

and I know it's not within you so. . .

I need to write some verses,

speak the truth of all my issues

and the twisting in my tissues

As I've no strength to continue

this eternal fight to keep you.

It is not for my own health.

it is for both of our poor souls,

starved and stagnate,

prematurely growing old.

Something crawls inside my veins,

keeping dark and unknown ways

suicide,

in my eyes.

like I'm tempted by the grave

like it's hiding in the blackness.

never coming to the surface

manifesting just as sadness.

this can't be my only purpose

For I love you and despite me,

that will never fucking end.

eight years just isn't nothing,

and you've loved me to the end

through my cheating, and my leaving;

all forgiven, not forgotten

this is why this isn’t easy.

I just never had that option

I love you

that's just in me

maybe still now more than ever,

but the problem is within me

and it’s taken me forever

It is me all by myself

fully stupid

can't get through this...

I just cannot be myself

I don't know if I can do this

But I only have myself

I can't hide from this endeavor.

whip my back and take my wealth,

make it feel like ten forevers

for the Lord knows I've earned hell.

never let me live it down,

make me wallow in this shell

let me make my filthy bed,

built inside my own sick head.

and maybe someday eat hot lead

though I was not put here to be dead

You are pearls before my swine,

while I pretend I have a spine

I give in before you try

Because in my eyes…

even shit around you shines

I can't pay the fucking fines

I've levied against my own mind. . .

fuck this evil in my mind

fuck this darkness in my eyes

fuck the body that allows me to perpetrate these lies

beat me down

break my spine

It doesn't hurt yet

not enough yet…

make me squirm and

make me want death

beg the father for his mercy

ask the Father, for forgiveness,

beg for my immortal soul.

freezing, starving, growing old

for He knows that you're his daughter,

and his claim has made you whole

but I'm drowning in the water,

In the river of my own soul,

that stream is frozen solid

that part of me is cold,

I can't be fucking whole

Lord almighty knows I’ve tried

I went under just to hide,

from the fire in my mind

lurking deep in my own eyes,

as I fucking gave up life,

cause I am stuck beneath the ice,

which I find to no surprise

is an inch thick sheet of lies,

from the part of me

that in spite of me

Just never

Fucking

Dies.

So remember that I love you,

and that never fucking changed,

but I did,

and I hurt you,

and we'll never be the same;

so forgive me,

because I can’t

and if we go our separate ways,

please don't forget the good times

and the sunny happy days

know this wasn't nothing.

it was the closest I may get,

to ever truly loving.

so of course my eyes are wet

please forgive me for my broken heart,

but I cannot keep on trudging,

when the person that I'm with,

Shows no interest in my calling,

no desire to come along with me

To climb above the mountain trees

or live a life that’s fully free...

Dear lord,

can I even keep on trying,

when I know it is my crime

at the core

why her soul is fucking lonely

and her heart is so dang sore?

Wife,

You deserve a better life,

all I've given yet is pain and strife.

repentant for the bad times;

the biggest fuck ups of my life.

and the way I've always treated you;

my only darling wife.

though, I think I may have needed you

I love you and I'd bleed for you

that's why I need to face the truth

to maybe set us free

and I hope despite the message here

you see this clear as me

cause I mean every God damned word I say

the bad guy here is me

I can't be true and honest,

with the walls built round my conscience

walls which only I have built,

out of all my fucking guilt,

cause of the milk I spilt,

I keep crying

like my fucking glass is drying

but we both know we kept trying

about a half a dozen times,

and every time the glass was spilled

again I'd send it flying

and justified you'd cry,

But pour me milk another time

as I screamed into the sky.

God! Why won't you let me die…

Then I'd drink it for a minute,

and you’d see me start to smile

We'd be happy for a short bit,

then the part of me that's wild,

claws on up in me unbridled

turns me bitter and unwise.

And it never fucking dies

As the one I love just cries

Before my own conflicted eyes

Unaware of all my lies

And til this savage thing has died,

I don't think I have the pride,

to keep on living how I've lied,

and as much as it confuses me,

after all we've fucking tried,

I simply cannot be myself,

with you there by my side.

and when you said that I'm the one thing

in your life that is not perfect

it shook me to my core

for I had felt it,

But was not sure yet.

it hurt me to discover

that you had felt it too

and if so it must be over

Is that not the honest truth?